Most of the quotes that follow are original. The rest were found here and there, and credit for them is given if known. New entries are added periodically at the end of the list.

"Reasonable people adapt to the world. Unreasonable people persist in trying to adapt the world to themselves. Therefore, all progress depends on unreasonable people." --George Bernard Shaw

"One moron can ask more questions than ten wise men can answer." --From a tag line on CompuServe

"He's a timid man who tries to look tough - a sheep in wolf's clothing."

"It is always easier to ask forgiveness than it is to get permission." --Adm. Grace Hopper

Ethan's corollary to the above: "It takes only two seconds to say 'Please excuse the mess' versus half an hour or more to actually clean and vacuum."

"Criticizing others is a dishonest way of praising ourselves." --From a letter to our local newspaper

"Microsoft is a praying mantis: It eats its partners while it's having sex with them." --Nicholas Petreley

"Hitting is learned behavior."

"There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you." --George Carlin, on Politically Incorrect

"If AIDS is god's way of punishing homosexuals, then by the same logic E. Coli must be god's way of punishing people who eat meat."

"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." --Stephen Roberts

"It's not so much that people are stupid, but many don't take the time to think things through." --Lionel, talk show host on WABC Talk Radio

"Atheism is a non-prophet organization." --Unknown

"Good composers borrow, great composers steal." --Igor Stravinsky

"Spirituality is simply a human emotion. And like all emotions it is entirely within one's own mind."

"God is Santa Claus for adults."

"Common etiquette says not to talk about politics, sex, religion, or money. But these are the only things interesting enough to discuss!"

"Cleanliness is next to impossible." --Anon.

"Faith is a poor substitute for logic and reason."

"Beauty fades, dumb is forever." --Judge Judy

"Trying is the first step toward failure." --Homer Simpson

"If 'The Devil made me do it' is not a valid defense in a court of law, then insurance companies shouldn't be able to weasel out of a claim caused by an 'Act of God'."

"Behaving well from a fear of god is far less noble than behaving well because it's the right thing to do."

"Just because something is legal doesn't make it good, and just because something is illegal doesn't make it bad."

"Good luck is the result of good planning." --from a fortune cookie

"Never judge a book by its movie." --J.W. Eagan

"If 50 million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing." --Anatole France (1844-1924)

"It's a fine line between frugal and being a cheap bastard."

"A gun is no longer 'The great equalizer.' Today it's the Internet and newsgroups, where anyone can be taken seriously based only on what they say and without prejudice for their physical appearance."

"War is good business; invest your son." --Ron Kuby on WABC Talk Radio

"The only thing worse than being incompetent is not knowing you are."

"I didn't think it was possible, but this both sucks and blows." --Bart Simpson, watching a school faculty talent show

"I'm old enough to know better, but I'm still too young to care." --Country song by Wade Hayes

"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." --Blaise Pascal

"The most important ingredient for success is being able to communicate."

"The ugly truth is always better than the best-dressed lie." --Ann Landers

"If hunters 'own' the wild animals and presume the right to shoot them, why don't people opposed to hunting have an equal right to say No?"

"If you think your teenagers are fully honest with you, just think back to when you were a teenager."

"It pains me when someone murders his wife and kids, and then kills himself. Hey, do us all a favor and shoot yourself first."

"When you go to a restaurant they always ask, 'Smoking or non-smoking?' The question should be, 'Kids or no kids?'"

"A faith that cannot survive collision with the truth is not worth many regrets." --Arthur C. Clarke

"When morality comes up against profit, it is seldom that profit loses." --Shirley Chisolm

"The true appeal of guns is the power they give to those who feel powerless."

"The so-called patriot groups are behind some of the most evil and unpatriotic acts."

"I used to be angry at astrologers and promoters of alternative medicine for their shameless pandering to people's weakness. These days I'm more angry at the fools who fall for that nonsense."

"Personally, I prefer a politician who is curious enough to have smoked pot and tried cocaine or LSD. It is a small mind indeed that's afraid to try something new or unknown."

"Whenever someone tells me how wonderful it must have been to live in an earlier age, all I can think of is no aspirin, no toilet paper, and no air conditioning."

"Citing tradition as the only reason for continuing a useless practice is surely a lame excuse."

"It's amazing how the Jews, Christians, and Muslims have so much heritage in common, yet it seems they're always killing each other." --Doug Ferrara

"If you want to know someone's true personality, just watch them drive."

"There's nothing wrong with most public schools. It's up to parents to make sure their kids study and get good grades."

"A lot of conservatives complain that Bill Clinton got elected with less than half the popular vote. But their guy got even fewer votes!"

"When you talk to God it's called prayer; when God talks to you it's called schizophrenia." --A line from The Outer Limits TV show

Rob Carlson on rock bands: "If you can't be good, be loud."

"It's a far far better thing to have and not need than to need and not have." --Rob Carlson

"Man made booze. God made marijuana. Who do you trust?" --Unknown

"The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children." --Clarence Darrow

"Congress has not managed to implement campaign finance reform, keep guns out of the classroom, stop the cable TV companies from raping consumers, or prevent big industry from polluting our air and water, yet it has plenty of time to propose putting the Ten Commandments in schools and other public buildings."

"I don't know the secret of success, but the secret of failure is to try to please everybody." --Bill Cosby

"When two friends fight nobody wins." --Edith Bunker on All in the Family

"Alternative Health proponents want it both ways: First they say your regular doctor doesn't know as much as they do and conventional medicine is a failure. Then they claim their products are 'clinically tested' and 'scientifically proven' to work."

"The great thing about opinions is you don't have to back them up with facts."

"We often hear that a labor union is demanding more money. But they never say how much they earn now, so how can we know whose side to take?"

"I have always believed that it is a coward's pursuit to go into the woods to shoot an animal. It is not a sport if the victim is unable to return fire." --Frank Eldridge

"Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people." --Admiral Hyman G. Rickover

"Simple minds are satisfied by simplistic explanations."

"As a cynic I generally expect the worst. I'm rarely disappointed."

"Did you ever wonder why they call something so divisive a 'Union'?" --Lois Mastrangelo

"If the government was really serious about preventing people from drinking and then driving, they wouldn't allow bars to have parking lots." --From a letter to our local paper

"Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope." --the Furry Freak Brothers

"It is impossible to defeat an ignorant man in argument." --William G. McAdoo, American government official (1863-1941)

"Why is it that as soon as politicians get elected they believe our money belongs to them?"

"If an animal mauls a kid, chances are the animal will be destroyed. It's really too bad the same law doesn't apply to a kid that tortures an animal." --From a letter to our local paper

"The most difficult and unpleasant jobs always seem to pay the least salary."

"Fathering five children does not show the world how macho you are. A dog can do that. If you want to be a real man, try adopting some kids with special needs."

"Every day, self-proclaimed stock market 'experts' tell us why the market just went up or down, as if they really knew. So where were they yesterday?"

"All great truths begin as blasphemies." --George Bernard Shaw

"A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get corrupted even though he is certain you would."

"If you think seatbelts are confining, you should try a wheelchair." --Dr. Henry Betts, former head of the Rehabilitation Institute of Chicago

"The large print giveth and the small print taketh away." --Tom Waits

"Censorship is the height of vanity." --Martha Graham

"The greatest tragedy may be the hijacking of morality by religion. However valuable that may have been to enforce good behavior on primitive peoples, the association is now counter-productive. Yet at the very moment when they should be decoupled, sanctimonious nitwits are calling for a return to morals based on superstition." --Arthur C. Clarke

"How can you make two months' salary last forever? Easy. Invest it wisely, instead of buying useless trinkets with no inherent value."

"Luck is when opportunity meets preparation." --Eric Beheim

"Were there none who were discontented with what they have, the world would never reach anything better." --Florence Nightingale

"An educated man should know everything about something, and something about everything." --Dame C.V. Wedgwood, English historian (1910-1997)

"Small minds are concerned more with the symbols of patriotism than with the underlying principles of freedom and democracy."

"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." --George Bernard Shaw

"If we don't believe in freedom of expression for people we despise, we don't believe in it at all." --Noam Chomsky

"A bunny rabbit is basically a big rat. So why is one adorable and the other reviled?"

"Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent." --Salvor Hardin (character in the book Foundation by Isaac Asimov)

"Many magazine publishers wrongly believe they have to cater to their advertisers since the advertisers pay the bills. But in fact it is the readers who deserve the magazine's loyalty, because without them there would be no ads or revenue!"

"There is no doubt that the level of US violence has risen over the past forty years. I blame this directly on the religious right. As television and movie producers began pushing the envelope to make their shows more exciting, the religious right fought for censorship to prevent sex from being shown - so the producers instead made their shows more violent. And that has desensitized society thus making violence more acceptable."

"If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?" --Jimmy Carr, comedian

"No listener gives a damn what microphone preamp you used." --Craig Anderton

"I play in several amateur orchestras, and have noticed that the players who miss the most rehearsals are the very ones who can least afford to be absent!"

"A good scientist can explain how something works using plain language, without needing math and formulas."

"The biggest problem with education today is that students are taught what to think, but not how to think."

"Without ego, greatness is impossible."

"If you steal a little money you go to jail. If you steal a lot you don't." --Unknown

"Nothing in this world is more precious than a kitten - but just try to give one away!"

"No amount of classical music training will ever teach you what's so cool about 'Tighten Up' by Archie Bell And The Drells" --Unknown

"When stores and big business raise prices they claim they're just keeping up with the cost of living. In fact, they are driving up the cost of living."

"Skeptics question, cynics assume."

"The later I am, the slower I drive - I'd rather be five minutes late than lose twenty minutes while getting a traffic ticket!"

"Little boys should never be forced to wear a necktie. In fact, nobody should ever have to wear a tie."

"Shop-at-home TV channels serve well as a national IQ test."

"The most obvious thing that proves average, fallible people wrote the texts of the bible, is that the book describes god's feelings, opinions, and preferences. He's mad ... He's pleased. Give me a break. If my creator deals with his/her problems LIKE I DO, then I need to find someone a little higher up." --Posted by 'bvdd' on the MusicPlayer web forum

"Hunting is the worst type of bullying."

"When a true genius appears in this world, you may know him by this sign, that the dunces are all in confederacy against him." --Jonathan Swift

"The dividing line between Liberals and Conservatives is at 100 IQ points."

"The great thing about standards is there are so many to choose from." (author unknown)

"Empirical evidence trumps theory every time."

"Just because something costs a lot doesn't mean it's really worth that much."

"Success in any endeavor requires one simple formula: First define precisely what you want to do, then devise efficient logical steps to get there."

"You don't have to be a bastard to do well in business."

"When you can measure what you are speaking about, and express it in numbers, you know something about it. But when you cannot ... your knowledge is ... meager and unsatisfactory. " --Lord Kelvin, 19th century physicist

"First they ignore you, then they ridicule you, then they fight you, then you win." --Mahatma Gandhi

"If what you really need is outside your budget, stretch the budget. Otherwise you're wasting all your money." --Laurence Payne

"Anyone who uses a leaf blower or chain saw should by law be required to pay every neighbor within 1/4 mile $5 per hour."

"You can fool too many of the people too much of the time." --James Thurber

"If I had $100 million I would spend it all on radio and TV ads to influence public opinion on social issues."

"The French word for 'warning' is avertissement. Coincidence? I think not!"

"Email spammers are assholes."

"Every time I have accepted financial advice from a 'professional' I lost a lot of money."

"Liberals and conservatives argue endlessly whether this program or that should be run by the government or by private business. Either can work! What really matters is how efficiently it's done, and if there's accountability for the results."

"US law requires radio and TV ads for legtimate medicine to include endless disclaimers and warnings, while ads for 'alternative medicine' products have no such requirement and can claim whatever they want. Thanks to Ronald Reagan for this disgraceful travesty."

"A scientist seeks the truth, wherever that may lead. A believer already knows the truth, and cannot be swayed no matter how compelling the evidence."

"Everyone understands and accepts that the placebo effect is real, but for some reason audiophiles don't think it ever happens to them."

"Any good orchestra can play a concert without a conductor, but name one conductor that can play a concert without the orchestra!"

"The more expensive the vehicle, the less likely the driver is courteous and uses his turn signals."

Entire contents Copyright © 1997-2008 by Ethan Winer, all rights reserved.